Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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