Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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