dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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