I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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