i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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