last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
