I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
