I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
