I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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