well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
