1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
