it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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