when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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