You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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