Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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