textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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