If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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