apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
