someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
