it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
