I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
