theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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