and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
