cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
