did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This baby is an asshole
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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