he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
