I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize