he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
