Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
