Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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