I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
