Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
