Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They are going to name an STD after you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
