Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
