Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
