I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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