I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
