I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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