Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
