So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
