Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
