Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
