are you still at the devil's house?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize