holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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