Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize