Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
