I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
