Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
