Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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