now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
