I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
