I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
