Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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