She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize