I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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