the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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