Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
