My sheets look like a crime scene.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
