I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
