I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
